Many men come out in their fifties, sixties and beyond. Some have known for decades and never felt able to say so. Others have had a long marriage and a family, and have only recently begun to understand themselves differently. Whatever your story, you are not alone, and it is never too late to live honestly. This article offers a few kind and practical thoughts.
Your story is yours to tell
There is no single way to come out, and no deadline. You decide who to tell, when and how. You might begin with one trusted friend, a counsellor, or simply by writing your thoughts down. You do not owe anyone an explanation of your past choices. Many men who came of age when it was difficult to be openly gay made the best decisions they could at the time.
Mixed feelings are normal
Coming out later can bring relief, excitement and a sense of freedom, alongside grief for the years that passed, worry about other people's reactions and uncertainty about what comes next. All of these can be true together. Be patient with yourself.
Telling people
- Start with someone supportive. A friend who is likely to respond kindly can help you find your words and build confidence.
- Choose your moment. Pick a time when you will not be rushed, and when you are not in the middle of another stressful event.
- Keep it simple. "I wanted you to hear this from me. I am gay, and I am telling you because you matter to me" is enough.
- Give people time. First reactions are not always final ones. Family members may need time to adjust.
- Think about your family. If you have a wife, partner or children, take extra care. Many men find it helpful to speak to a counsellor first about how to approach these conversations kindly.
Finding your community
One of the best things about coming out is meeting people who understand. Many towns and cities have social groups, walking clubs, choirs and meet ups for LGBT people, and some are aimed at older people. Local libraries, community centres and noticeboards are a good place to start looking. Online communities can also be a gentle way to meet people from the comfort of home, and a place to ask questions and share experiences.
If you would like to talk to someone, Switchboard is a long established helpline for LGBT people in the UK. Your GP can also help you find counselling if you want to talk things through.
Dating when you are new to it
Dating after coming out can feel like being a teenager again, only with more life experience and fewer people to compare notes with. That is completely normal. Some thoughts that may help:
- Go at your own pace. Making friends first is a perfectly good way to begin.
- Be honest about where you are. You can say that you are new to this. Most people will be understanding, and many will remember what it felt like for them.
- Decide how private you want to be. You choose what goes on your profile and who sees it, and you can leave out your surname, address and workplace.
- Enjoy being curious. You are allowed to take your time working out what you like.
You can find tips on getting started in our plan for your first week, and ideas for writing about yourself in our guide to writing a profile.
Keeping safe and private
If you are not out to everyone, think carefully about what you share and with whom. Keep your personal details private, meet in public places and tell a trusted friend where you are going. Never send money to anyone you have not met. Our guide to dating safely has more detail.
It is never too late
Many men describe coming out later in life as one of the best decisions they ever made, even though it was not easy. You have a lifetime of experience, wisdom and warmth to bring to new friendships and relationships. Take your time, find your people and be kind to yourself.
When you are ready, you can join free and meet other mature gay men across the UK at your own pace.
- coming out
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