If you have lost a partner, or a long relationship has come to an end, the idea of dating again can bring up all sorts of feelings: hope, guilt, fear, curiosity, sometimes all in the same afternoon. None of them mean you are doing it wrong. This guide is for anyone wondering whether, and how, to begin again.
There is no timetable
Friends and family may have views about when you should be ready, and so may you. The truth is that there is no correct amount of time. Some people feel ready within a year, others take much longer, and some decide that companionship matters more to them than romance. What matters is that it feels right for you, not that it fits anyone else's expectations.
Signs you may be ready to look
- You find yourself missing company, conversation or affection, not just the person you lost.
- You can think about your past relationship with warmth, even if it still hurts.
- You feel curious about meeting someone new, even if you feel nervous too.
- You want to do things and go places, and would like someone to share them with.
If you recognise some of these, you could try a gentle first step, such as having a look around a dating site without sending a single message. You can stop whenever you want.
It is not a betrayal
Many people who have been widowed feel guilty at the thought of meeting someone new. Looking for companionship does not mean you loved your late partner any less, and it does not erase your memories. A heart can hold more than one important relationship. If you are divorced or separated, you may feel a different mix of emotions, such as relief, regret or anger. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
Take it slowly
- Start with conversation. There is no need to rush into meeting. Chat for as long as you like, and enjoy being listened to.
- Be honest about where you are. You do not have to share your whole story at once, but it is fine to say that you are taking things gently. The right person will understand.
- Expect some wobbles. A song, a place or a question can bring things flooding back. That is natural, and it does not mean you should not be dating.
- Do not compare. Someone new will not be your previous partner, and that is not a failing. They are simply a different person with their own gifts.
Talking about the past
At some point you will probably talk about your history. A short, honest sentence is plenty to begin with: "My husband died three years ago and I have only recently felt ready to meet people," or "I was married for twenty years and it ended last year." Share more when you feel comfortable. Most people are kind about this, and many have their own stories.
Look after yourself too
Dating is one part of building a life you enjoy. Keep up your friendships, your hobbies and your routines. If you are finding the loss very heavy, it can help to talk to someone. Your GP can point you towards support, and organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Support offer help to people who have lost someone. If you are ever feeling overwhelmed or in despair, please contact Samaritans or speak to someone you trust straight away.
Staying safe while your heart is tender
When emotions are raw, it can be easier for someone with bad intentions to take advantage. Never send money to anyone you have not met in person, however moving their story, and keep your personal details private until you know someone well. Our guide to dating safely goes through the signs to look out for.
A new chapter, not a replacement
Starting again is not about replacing what you had. It is about discovering that there is still room in your life for laughter, company and affection. If you would like to take a first step, have a look at our gentle plan for your first week, and take as long as you need.
When you are ready, you can join free and look around at your own pace.
- starting again
- relationships
- wellbeing